A World Of Secrets

2009-02-21T10:19:00.002+08:00

Why do people like the world to orbit around them?
And does making others look bad make them look good?
Maybe it does.

I don't get what all these nonsensical stuff is going about,
but I do know that it makes me look like the "devil".
And fine, I don't mind being the "devil".
I'm just so used to it isn't it?
Being blamed for everything when it's only one-sided.
It is so fair to do that.

Oh! And I just love my sarcasm.
By the way, I have other friends whom I blog about,
and yea, I have OTHER friends.
And they were so bothered about people caring about them,
when they don't even care how you feel.

2009-02-17T17:57:00.001+08:00

I hate my life.
I hate my family.
I hate my friends.
I hate hypocrites.
I hate hypocritical Christians.
I hate eating.
I hate this world.
I hate everything.
No matter how beautiful it may seems.
Everything's a lie.
Everyone's a liar.
This world is broken.

2009-02-16T14:52:00.000+08:00

I'll just get used to it.
Every call, every rejection.
I just need to get used to it.
It's the same each time.
No point holding any hope.
I'm just a nobody to everyone.
Probably an extra that can't fit in anywhere.
I'll just get used to it.
To be alone.
To be left out.
To be left behind.
To be uncared of.
To be unwanted.

2009-02-10T14:53:00.003+08:00

So what if you like someone..
If that person doesn't like you..
It's no point liking him..

It's just like if a guy likes you,
you don't have to do anything but he'll still love you..
But if he doesn't,
then nothing you do will make him love you..

Why is it the guys who make the choices?
Why is it always so unfair?

Because of all these unrequited love,
all these that I'm sick of..
I just want to be strong enough to say..
"I kissed dating goodbye."

2009-02-05T20:46:00.002+08:00

Really emotional these few days.
Why? I do not know.
There's something I realise though.
I'm still afraid to cry in front of people.
Or probably I'm just too used to cry alone in the dark.
I wonder how will my birthday be this year.
I'd be happy if I get enrolled.
But what if I don't?
How will I react?
How will I face the rest of my birthdays?
I'm really scared.
Who can I tell?
Shivering in fears, having to calm myself down.
Why is every song played in my ear sound so depressing?
I feel so alone once again.
Such horrible feelings.
After all, I still have tears to cry.
I want to be strong, why can't I?
Such a failure, a disappointment.

2009-02-01T02:05:00.002+08:00

Well, I'm probably not in your list now.
You probably wouldn't know how much I cried in the night.
You probably wouldn't know how much pain I felt alone.
You probably wouldn't care how I am or what I've been through.
I'm probably your past. Something to be forgotten.
You probably wouldn't read this, but if you do,
just know that I did cry over you.

Although it all seems like past to you,
it's not the same for me.
I thought I was strong enough,
that all these are behind me,
but everything just haunts me time and again,
and I just hope that you'll be there to comfort me again,
but I guess it's never the same.

When I'm faced with problems I can't handle,
when it's something my parents can't know,
I have nowhere to go, nowhere to run, nowhere to hide.
Even when I feel like crying,
there's no one to find, no one to comfort, no one to care.
It's just me alone, facing the giant world ahead of me.

No matter how strong I may seem,
I'm actually not that strong at all.
I do still cry when memories haunt.

2009-01-26T23:55:00.002+08:00

Chinese New Year, a time for reunion.
But not exactly for everyone.
You might wish everyone happy chinese new year,
and they'll wish you the same in return,
but is it really happy at all?

For many have enjoyed reunion in a moment as such,
as for me, I'm not that lucky one.
This year, it's different.
No reunion, more of disappointment.
But it's from this that I learned to be stronger, to be independent,
and to not rely much on others, or rather trust.

I was stupid to be fooled,
but that's going to be the last time.
To be cheated, fooled, deceived.
The start of a new year.

The next time,
I don't want to be the one to be upset.
If it is true, then you'll have to persist through my many obstacles.
I don't want to be the one regretting.
I want you to regret..
For not trying hard enough.
I will not go for it anymore.
I'll just relax and wait.
I'll not give in so easily.
I don't want to be fooled. Again.

Being too nice to humans are highly not beneficial.

Deceiving Reality

2009-01-19T22:08:00.002+08:00

I knew it was all a lie.
I knew this world was nothing but full of lies.
Living in a deceiving world.
It's pointless telling anyone how it is.
I'll just smile like nothing happened.
I'll just pretend that I'm fine.
Cried by myself while I'm in the bus already.
I'm tired of crying alone.
I'm tired of crying.
Nothing's going to change.
That's reality.
There's no happy ending in reality.
While you're alive,
you'll be bound by sadness.
There's no escape.
In a maze of deceiving happiness,
there's no exit.
Every end of the maze is a dead end.
There's no way out.
Each time you held on to hope,
each time you find that it's simply false hope.

And in all these I just need to remember,
when it's not perfect,
then it's not the end.

2009-01-18T21:24:00.002+08:00

Ever wonder why my posts are always so sad?
Well, 'cause it's just as pathetic as the blog.
Dull, empty and pathetic.

Happiness can be expressed and shared with anyone.
But how about your depression?
Will anyone understand?
It's not as though I like to repeat my point,
it's just that sometimes when you're mad or sad,
and you tried to make your point,
people just disagree.

Many have said that bottling up your emotions are bad.
I guess my blog is my bottle.
All my sorrows thrown into it,
hoping someday the one that understands me will read it,
and probably accept me as who I am.

I really hope someday,
I could find someone,
whom I could spill my opinions on.
Just someone, somewhere out there.

The innocence that was once with us,
the truth that we once believed,
and the countless times we were deceived.

2009-01-13T01:07:00.000+08:00

I will smile at you,
and behind your back,
I will curse you like there's no tomorrow.

2009-01-02T12:21:00.002+08:00

It's been awhile since I blogged.
Well, it doesn't matter anyway.

Finally, the new year has arrived.
So what?
Nothing's gonna change.
People will still behave the way they do.
People will still be the same.
It doesn't make a difference no matter how hard I try to change.
Everything will be the same.

Sometimes I just don't understand people.
They asked you to join them in something,
only to make you feel left out.
Isn't it contradicting?

Anyway, I've learnt my lesson.
When the organiser didn't invite you to an event, don't go.
They would most probably ask you to meet in hell,
while they themselves meet in heaven.
And they'll leave you in hell until they realise that they have left you there.
Oh! And they won't even bother to tell you that they are in heaven even if they realised.

Humans are just so depressing.
Such a letdown.
Oh wells, who am I to comment on others?
I am nothing. I am nobody.
That leaves me no rights to comment.
So whatever is written above is just nonsensical rubbish.
And if you actually read it,
then all I can say is you've wasted your time.

2008-12-04T01:38:00.002+08:00

Do people really feel bad?
I mean what's the point in saying that you feel bad when it's already over?
If you really think you'll feel bad in the first place, don't do it.
If not, there's no point in saying it, isn't it?

People are just so...
never mind.
Sometimes, they can seriously make you wonder if they've got any brains.

Something horrific happened today.
I accidentally cut myself with pencil lead.
And it's quite a cut.

I'm still wondering why do people like to hurt others so "accidentally"?
Don't act the way that will mislead others.
You make them feel, then you tell them "I was just being nice, no other meaning."
Like "What The Fuck."
Seriously, don't toy with people's emotion.
You can actually turn a person into a monster.
A monster filled with hatred and pain.
But, those who turn people into monsters won't feel the same.
Because they are after all those who are "just being nice".
It's so super "WTF". 100% can't stand it.

Anyway, there's this certain something that I feel like saying to someone.
But I've yet found the right person to convey it to.
Can't trust most of them so if anyone out there wants to know what I want to say...
Then gain my trust first.
And if I don't say those stuff on time,
there's a possibility that something might go really wrong.
By the way, it's that circle of friends I'm talking about.
Gain my trust, get the info and do something about it.
Simple.
Anyway, the expiry date is probably mid of next year and there isn't much time left.

2008-11-26T19:16:00.003+08:00

Would anyone be able to understand what I'm going through?
Not if I don't say it.
But even if I say it, no one would understand.
It's not as thought I've not tried.
I've tried and am sick of it.

Nowhere to go,
nowhere to hide,
and no one to find.

I know I'm not suppose to think in such a way.
But maybe it is depression.

I don't know why but I just can't face you.
Maybe I don't want to face you too.
I don't know why.
Maybe 'cause we haven seen each other for long.
There's something I know and it's that I can't face you.
The thought of meeting you makes me feel weird.
I'm just not a friend-material.

Staying at home is good enough for me.
Maybe I'm hiding from the fact that I hate hanging out with you guys.

2008-11-25T18:02:00.002+08:00

Seems like everything is changing and I haven't got a single clue to anything.
Always left in the shadow like I'll always be.
My memories are starting to fade and I'll soon forget how people look like.
I don't want to hit the "refresh" button.
I don't wish to.
My "detachment" plan is working.
It's just a matter of time.
Excuses or not, isn't it obvious that I just don't want to be with everyone?
Stupidity.
Seems like everyone is leaving me out.
Or rather I'm leaving everyone out of my life.
I was so stupid to think that people actually care.
Now I'm smart to see that no one cares anymore.
It's just a matter of time before your friends leave you.
No human's a friend for life.

Oh I forgot to mention that I wanted to cry last night for the people I missed.
But I was too tired and can't be bothered.
Am I like seriously hopeless?
Well, maybe it's the beginning of it.

2008-11-20T00:16:00.002+08:00

Is it a curse for me to have friends?
Even if it's just a wish for a friend,
it doesn't even come true.

Why is reality so harsh?
Happily ever after are just fairy tales.
Fantasy and Reality.

I guess it's impossible for us to talk to each other.
Even the longest friendship I have didn't last.
The bestest friend could just turn herself away.
Each time she sees me,
Each time she rolls her eyes at me.
It hurts.
Friends hurt.
I don't want to be a fool.
My dark side is telling me to hurt others.
'Cause isn't it better hurting others than to get hurt?
It's called self defence.

I hate my negativity.
I'm 80% filled with it.
So mainly I hate myself.
And should I focus all these hate on myself, rather than others?

I'm sinking into my own confusion.
I'm sinking into my own darkness.
I'm sinking into my own depression.

No hands to grab.
No hands to support.
No hands to give me a push.

For now,
I'll just sink a little deeper as time passes.

2008-11-15T00:23:00.002+08:00

Why are they all the same?
Why do they know nothing but hurting others unconciously?
Stupidity.

I've had enough of all these.
Nothing's ever going to change.
The present is like the past.
And so the future will be like the present.
People will act the same way like those I've known in the past.

I've lost myself in endless confusion as to who are my friends?
It's a question I can never answer.
And what are friends?
It's something I can't define as well.

I just want to be a hermit.
Happiness stinks.
Being happy makes you feel sad.
But does being sad make one happy?

I hate myself for having to act in front of people.
It's so fake.
But it makes others happy.
So am I suppose to smile all day even when I feel like shit?

Everything just sucks.
Everyone too.
I want to be a hermit and be sad all alone.
Emo is what I am.
Face it or HATE me.

My life is nothing, but just my wishful thoughts.
IT'S AN EMPTY LIFE!

2008-11-09T00:54:00.002+08:00

Life can be a mess in just one day.
One minute you're smiling,
and the next you're pissed.
First, it started with people accidently spilling sauce on me.
Then, you have people who don't understand what you're saying.
I'm so sick of this life.
Why do you expect me to say when you would never understand?
And why would you not understand?
'Cause you're not ME!
Isn't that simple?
You think you might understand by "being in my shoe"
But you'll only understand that very part of me, my feet.
So stop trying to think that you can understand me,
'cause that will never happen.
So what if you know my present?
You still have a past to catch up with.
The past that haunts?
Will you understand?
The feeling I felt.
Will you feel it too?
NO!
'Cause you're just not ME!
So please stop telling me to tell you why I'm always depressed.
I just like it the way I am and the way I live.

And seriously,
this world is nothing but a stage,
and everyone's in masquerade.

2008-10-26T22:03:00.000+08:00

I hate my life.
I just want it to end now.

2008-10-22T22:02:00.002+08:00

Nice Resorts for inspiration:
- Post Ranch Inn (Cool designs, exterior and interior)
- Enchantment Resort (Nice atmosphere)
- Amangani (Nice swimming pool)

Those days as an interior design student,
where researching and referencing is a must.
Guess it's just hard to kick off this habit.

2008-10-20T22:22:00.002+08:00

What am I suppose to do?
The fear of falling into another pit that could hurt me.
Although it's an enjoyment to not know how your future's like,
you also don't know what your future holds.
Then you fear if the next step you take,
wondering if it's safe for you.

With different emotions flowing into my life these days,
I felt myself bound by it.
It's as though I'm bottled up.

But as I went out today,
I felt released.
It was refreshing.
I never wanted it to end,
but it has to.

The fear of entering my own house.
The fear of what awaits for me behind that door.
I'm not as strong as I am.
I have my fears.
Although I have been facing all my fears alone,
it doesn't make me any stronger.
It only piles up my fear more.
It makes me want to cringe and hide at a corner.

Each day as night falls,
I'll start wondering if I'll cry that night.
It's as though there's always something for me to cry about.
But still,
I cry alone.
No one would ever know.
Those tears, those pain,
That I'll never endure.

2008-10-17T16:45:00.002+08:00

It's been two days since i went out..
No social life..
Nothing..

I guess loners will always be loners..
Just me and my laptop..
Seriously..
No life..

Friends..
Hmm..

2008-10-16T22:33:00.001+08:00

i just want to shut back into my own world again..
the world out there..
i'm not ready..

2008-10-16T15:29:00.004+08:00

If I were to die tomorrow,
would you treasure me more?

2008-10-12T00:53:00.003+08:00

why do i have to face it over and over again?
why is it these pain are so unbearable?
why do i get hurt so easily?
why does my heart ache each time i think?
why can't i stop thinking for a moment?
why can't i stop crying?
why am i so weak?
why me?
why choose me?

2008-10-10T13:36:00.002+08:00

Lost?
Left behind?
I'm not sure either..
I don't know what's the next step..
I don't know where to proceed..
I don't know what to think..
So I just stop..
Stop thinking..
Stop proceeding..
Ignoring what the next step will be..
But as I stop..
Time continues to pass..
With everyone either moving along with time..
Or moving ahead of time..
I guess I'm pretty much left behind..

As time passes..
I start to drift further and further..
What's the reason?
Why me?
Maybe I'll start to think again..
Just maybe..

2008-10-05T00:29:00.003+08:00

Sometimes it's just so heartbreaking..
Sometimes it's just so sweet..
I guess that's how it is..
If everything goes smoothly..
You wouldn't feel a thing..

Sometimes it's just so hard for me to cope..
Emotions just keep flowing..
So many moments where I'm tossed around in doubt..
Tossed between the present and the past..

At times I have been so foolished..
Doing things I'm not suppose to do..
But still I'm just so weak..
Will you please forgive?

Confusion playing with my mind..
With many still undecide..

Everything's happening so quickly..
I could barely take a breath..

Things just come and go..
Moments of happiness and sadness..
Though we're no longer together..
But how far are we apart..

Can I really start anew?
But when will it be?

Why do memories keep triggering?
Why do I keep bothering?

Maybe it's just me..
I just have to keep trying..

2008-09-27T15:04:00.001+08:00

How to design?
When tears are in my eyes?

I'm so tired..

2008-09-27T14:28:00.002+08:00

Why is it always my fault?
Why can't I have just a little bit of freedom?
Why won't they ever understand me?

I guess maybe I didn't bother to let them understand me either..
Why bother to anyway?
Just don't understand me..
There's nothing to understand about..
I'm just nothing..

Nothing..
Not a whisper..
Not a sound..
Nothing..

2008-09-25T18:35:00.002+08:00

What kind of life is this?
Why are there so many downs that I face?
Why is it so complicated?

How many rejection do I have to face?
Why can't my life be just a little bit simpler?

I'm so tired making decisions..
Each decision having to fear what's the consequence..
Each time with all to bear..
I feel so tired..

Is it possible for a moment I just stay free?
Wonder when it will be..

I feel like I'm dying..
Physically and mentally..
I feel that body lacks of water..
It's not working right somehow..
My mind is preventing me from resting at night..
No matter how tired I am..
Each time I closes my eyes..
Thoughts just keep running..

Each time I think of him..
Wondering if I could really let him go..
Tears just flow..
Can I really let him go?
I know I have to..
If I don't..
Well..
No point clinging on..

I just need to sit somewhere..
With wind blowing..
And I could just clear my mind..
With someone sitting beside me..
Just being there for me..
As I slowly fall asleep..

But rarely do fantasies become reality..
Rarely do I have moments where I could smile at..
Happiness doesn't last..
I didn't see all that coming..
I couldn't take the blow..
But I kept it inside..
I had to learn to bury those tears deep within..
And replace them with a smile..
They think it's over..
But it's still a struggle for me..

2008-09-24T20:56:00.002+08:00

zzz...
I could barely open my eyes...
Barely lift my right arm...
Al because I played badminton today...
This is because pathetic me doesn't exercise..

Had dinner at Botak Jones...
And couldn't finish my food...
I was STUFFING myself...
Like stuffing a turkey?
Then we went to play at a playground..
And yes, we are all youths..
We forced ourselves into some rocking thing..
Slide down the slides..
And had a "monkey" climb up to the roof and got stuck..
Did I mention "monkey"?

Anyway that wasn't like the end..
'Cause I received my third calling today..
I asked God to give me three callings..
Callings for a Christmas event..
And as I thought that perhaps I was not going to be in..
He answered me today..
So now I'm part of "Celebrate Christmas in Singapore"..
Being in it as a mime..
Wonder how am I going to keep myself shut when I perform..

2008-09-23T23:03:00.002+08:00

Not a particular morning..
Was messaging til midnight on what time to play basketball..
Until I fell asleep..
And I jumped up on the sound of my alarm clock at 7.45am..
Then checked my phone to see that we're playing at 3pm..
So I slept again until my ex-asst-manager called for my bank account number..
That was 9.13am..
Then I slept again and woke up at 12 plus..

So I went to play basketball at 3pm..
More of resting than playing..
'Cause I was breathless after a few shots..
Then went to get a drink and chatted before heading home..
That's a rather not-so-average day =.=

2008-09-23T00:41:00.002+08:00

It's back to stay home again..
Weehee..
Watched mamma mia..
And the casts sang really well..
I mean I like their voice..
Spent like $20++
But it was fun..
Imagine playing murderer in starbucks..
How dumb..
So that's my Sunday..

And Monday was all day at home..
So there's nothing much to talk about..
Oh wells...

2008-09-15T01:23:00.002+08:00

When was the last time I blogged?
No idea...

Life's been a mess for me...
Been doing things that are going against my inner self...
Life just seems so messy that I can't see where I'm going...
Or what I'm doing...

Saw him on Saturday...
Chatted with him on Sunday...
Can see that he's really tired...
He must have been studying quite alot...
And I've not been disturbing him since my sms overshot...
But I still care for him...
Will have to wait until his exams over before I ask him...
Will have to stay positive till then...

On the other hand...
There's someone else who asked me to wait for him till his exams over...
Then he'll tell me what's up his sleeve...
Till then...
Stay positive...

Will be away from 15th to 18th...
Like there's gonna be any difference here...
To all who's reading...
Have a nice week ahead =)

2008-09-08T23:46:00.002+08:00

First day of work : Tiring, as I was just sitting there stamping on vouchers, writing down serial no.s, and slipping them into envelope.

I made a few mistakes and had to tear open the envelope.
So there were a few messed up ones.
My shoulder's still aching. And the pay is $6 per hour.
The aunties working there were funny.
Pretty retarded too.
And so was the manager.

My heels bit my ankles.
And now the pain is sizzling.
Not going to wear heels tomorrow thou.

Tomorrow is another day of work.
Another tiring day.....

Would anything change?

2008-08-29T00:15:00.002+08:00

I just feel like telling you how I feel..
That eventhough it's over..
The feeling still bears within me..

But what's the point of holding on?
I've been trying so hard..
Will I just be a comedian?
Will it just end as good friends?
Is it no matter how much I continue..
it will still be the same?

Will things ever change?
How long do I have to wait?

2008-08-27T16:14:00.003+08:00

Those moments have passed...
Those memories should be gone..
But they're not..

I feel like an empty glass bottle...
Drifting away in the far and wide ocean..
I can't see where I'm going..
I can't see when it'll end..

The bottle remains empty...
Be it rain or shine...
It'll always be dry...
No water is going to fill it...
No water is going to overflow...

Does it really look like an empty bottle?
Maybe it does...
But it's never empty...
All bottled up just that no one would ever know...
No one would ever find out...

It's all weak and fragile...
Bur ir'll continue to stay firm...
Stay strong...
Because that's the least it can do to itself...

2008-08-24T23:50:00.002+08:00

Yesterday had been a day of insanity.
A portion.
Tried my hands on the EQ,
made the olympic sign out of rubber bands,
drew out what gaseous state was,
screamed inside the AV room for the microphone,
poking straw into people's head,
fighting in the AV room,
got stuck eventually and lost.

Had our dinner at Marina Square.
Didn't really ate anything.
Saw the fireworks,
then there were some saddening thoughts.

Eventually went home alone.

Today was yet another day.
It started out all right.
It was lunch time that I got frustrated.
Frustrated of waiting.
There's free lunch,
but people think that vegetables with rice are too simple.
So waited and waited and finally moved.
Then stopped again.
And waited again.
Then finally finally moved.
Went to Burger King but the waiting filled my hunger so I left.
Went to get some foam for making roses and a present.
It was raining and I had no umbrella so I was drenched.
I felt that it doesn't matter if I was sick anyway.
So I attempted and am waiting for any signs of sickness to appear.
Almost went home alone,
but found my mum.
Thought it was rather depressing.
None of my friends went home with me.
Hmm.. friends?
Anyway, the day wasn't so bad.
Nuo Nuo played with me and she's just so cute.
Then she can't bear to see me leave.
Anyways, will see her again.
Till then my life will revolve around anime.
Currently: La Corda d'Oro
Next: Lovely Complex

2008-08-22T00:22:00.002+08:00

Watched Meet Dave today.
Pretty retarded show.
Awful bad experience just before I reached home.
Sweet experience when I reach home.

It's the sweetness of the day that I can't forget.

And today is the day when I "eliminate" myself from the school.
Partially.
Went to the library to settle some stuff.
Talked with a few lecturers.
That's all.
Now I just have to wait for the call.

But somehow,
now I'm just too free.
Awrgh.

2008-08-15T22:09:00.002+08:00

It keeps me wondering..
Who should I believe?
Who should I trust?
Sometimes I just don't know who's telling the truth..

It's like once bitten twice shy..
Some people can't keep secrets..
And they just like to talk without thinking..
Some informations between friends are meant to kept between friends..
And if you seriouslt have a problem with beating around the bush..
Please, I beg you, don't attempt it..
The situation will go chaos..

Trying to surpress my anger..
Damn it..

2008-08-13T23:11:00.002+08:00

Everytime I think..
My heart hurts..
My head hurts..
How can I stop all these thoughts?

As I ran today..
I thought I could forget about everything..
And just run freely..
But the more I run..
The more I couldn't take it..
I can't run..
My chest hurts..
I felt so useless..
I can't even run..

I can't do anything..
I felt like crying..
I probably just ran at the wrong time..
I feel like I'm losing it all..

Can anyone seriously understand the way I feel?

2008-08-12T01:41:00.002+08:00

"Don't hold your hopes to high.
Things might not end the way you want.
If it's not meant to be,
it will never be.
So don't hang on to your hopes.
Please don't,
if you don't wish to fall from false hopes.

Jiayou!
I know you can do it!
You are strong!
You don't need to rely on others.
You are strong!
You don't want others to worried.
Every single back facing you gets tired each day.
Tired from taking care of you.
Grow up!
You can do it!
Stay strong!
Don't have to cry over things you can't achieve!
Stay strong!"

How I wish I could cheer myself each time I fall.
How I wish I could be as strong as what I think.
Wishful thoughts.
Jiayou to me!

2008-08-10T19:42:00.002+08:00

Reluctant.Unhappy.Lost of appetite.
Result : Gastric.

Flu got me earlier this morning.
Morphed into Rudolph for a while.
Then eventually got better.
Still feeling a little flu-ish now.

Anyways.
Been stuck with Music and Lyrics song.
Just watched it recently and felt it was nice.
Fell in love with the song.
Actually the lyrics.
Music expresses emotion.
It sets the background.
While lyrics strengthen it.
The middle-eight of the song was my facourite.

There are moments when I don't know if it's real.
Or if anybody feels the way I feel.
I need inspiration.
Not just another negotiation.

It expresses my thoughts.
Oh wells.

Wanted to change to design of this blog..
But got lazy..

2008-08-09T23:59:00.000+08:00

Crazy.
Caught the fireworks at esplanade.
No photos of firework.
But took tons of photos of us.
Us = Me, Chen xing, Lenice, Joyce.
Overall: Insane, but fun.

Just imagine squeezing through a crowd.
Impossible.
But we made it.
Lesson learnt: Nothing is impossible.

2008-08-08T01:44:00.003+08:00

Why do things get so harsh in just one night?
Why do I have to start pouring things out?

I tried to hold back my tears today as we spoke..
You wanted me to share..
I'm not willing..
It's not that I don't trust..
I just find it that no one would understand..
You're not experiencing what I am experiencing..
How would you understand?
You wanted to help..
But how?
Encourage?
How long will your encouragement last?
A few hours?

I feel so lost and confused..
How can I enjoy my life at this state?
Everything crushing down..
How?

The whole time you were talking..
I told myself..
Stay strong..
Thoughts rushing around my mind..
But the thought of staying strong made me firm..
I knew I had to control..
But still..
I failed..
My head almost exploded..

Still..
After you wanting me to share..
I'm still stuck..
Should I give up?
Or should I continue?
How do I start anew?

2008-08-07T20:12:00.002+08:00

What is wrong with her?
I was fine before dinner..
Then she started demanding that I should sleep early tonight..
Then as I exit the kitchen..
She literally glared at me..
And while I was eating..
She started critisizing that one shouldn't be picky..
Then started shaking her head at my every single action..
Her every single sentence..
Whether she's talking to my brother..
Or commenting about the tv..
Every single sentence holds a PRICK!
Every single sentence she was attacking me..
What the hell is wrong with her..
All of a sudden she just holds a grudge with me..
Why is she picking on me?
I HATE HER!!
I HATE TO BE AT HOME!!
Even after I enter my room..
She continues yak about everything..
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH HER!
I HATE TO BE ME!!

I want to shout!
I want to cry!
And all these while when she's picking on me..
I had to surpress all these feelings..
Because she'll always be the right one..
No point talking back..
No point telling her how I feel..
No point sharing with her..
I JUST WANT HER TO STOP YAKKING!!!
JUST SHUT UP!

I HATE MY LIFE!!!

2008-08-07T14:20:00.003+08:00

Slept @ 7am
Woke up @ 1pm

Life's turning upside down..
Abnormal..
No ideas popping in my head..
Hands not working..
Neither are my brains..

Been slacking all these while..
Where motivation seems so far..

Had been staying at home since monday afternoon..
Never been to school after that..
And my brains are not working..
Just want to get out of this soon..

Needed help..
But who will help..
Needed to share..
But who will listen..
It feels like a friendless life..
That is no life..
Oh wells..
That's me..

When emotions cannot be expressed..
When words meant nothing..
When memories starts to evoke..
Vision starts to blur..
The heart starts to ache..
But the clock still continues to tick..

2008-08-05T13:02:00.002+08:00

And just all of a sudden..
The scent just gets back to me..
Then the memories..
Then I stop..
And distracted myself..
And it all went back..

2008-08-05T00:21:00.002+08:00

Seriously..
There's no one to talk to..
.n.o. .o.n.e.

Back to normal life..
No one to listen..
No one to share..

But I still have to smile..
That is my purpose in life?
To bring about happiness to others?
Then I'll smile..
I'll stay strong and smile..

2008-08-04T14:15:00.003+08:00

What's not meant to be..
Will never be meant for it..
When the time comes..
I just have to try to..

No matter how hard I smile..
No matter how hard I laugh..
It just brings me pain..

So please stop reminding me..
Stop making me think about it..
I seriously want to stop..

You think I can joke about it..
You think I can laugh about it..
And all these meant I'm fine..
You're wrong..
Every single memory that I have to recall..
It's not something to be happy about..
So please stop making me think about it..
I just want it to end..

THOUGHTS OUT LOUD

2008-08-04T02:26:00.004+08:00

I don't know if I should be saying this..
But I don't know what I'm feeling now..

At times I feel fine..
I told myself it's all right, just let it go..
At other times I think about the past..
And I feel tinge of sadness..
Let's just hope I'll get over it soon..
*sighs*
But why do I have the urge to wait?
I don't think I should..
But I'm just too weak..
*sighs*

Why do I cling onto the hope that someday you'll not think about it anymore?
Why do I hope?
Hope gets nowhere and if it shatters..
It's even worst..
*sighs*
Even if we're together..
How far can we really go?

2008-08-02T23:25:00.001+08:00

FAILURE

EVERYTHING

and i hate myself too.

2008-08-01T20:21:00.002+08:00

I did something really harmful today!
I ate a waffle with chocolate and drank iced horlicks!
Time to stop munching and drinking harmful stuff..

*Sighs*
My mum doesn't really understand me..
So does my family..
They thought that it was easy accepting people's critique..
Or rather "constructive comment"..
They thought that it was easy for one to stand in front of 5,6,7 or even 8,
And get shot down by every single one of them verbally..
They thought that it was easy for me to face it all..
I felt my life being taken away every single second..
My mum said that if I couldn't control my emotions..
She would not allow me to continue in my relationship..
Is this my life?
She never allowed me to cry in the past no matter how hard she hit me..
She never allowed me to cry when she scolded..
I'm really scared that someday I'll go crazy..
I'm scared for that day to come..
She said that before I express my emotions..
I have try to control them..
If I feel really sad..
I have to try and suppress that feeling..

But why?
Why can't I express anything I want?
Why can't you understand how I feel?

Perhaps I'm just an overly negative person..
Do not deserve to be loved..
Do not deserve to be cared..
Do not deserve to express my feelings..
Do not deserve to live the life I want..

I DO NOT DESERVE ANYTHING!

Learning

2008-07-31T21:33:00.002+08:00

Learning to control my emotions..
Learning to let it go anytime..
Learning to forgive..

I'll have to learn..
If I want to be strong..

2008-07-29T22:11:00.002+08:00

Things changing..
I have to change too..
For the better..
I hope I can..

I'm so tired and stress..
A pile of requirements to complete..
It's nuts!
What if I can't take it?
What if I breakdown again?
I'm so useless..
Always making people worried about me..
Perhaps the day I die..
Is the day no one worries..
Or so I think..

Feels so tired now..
And alone..
No one to talk to..

Why do people always think it's so easy for me..
When things aren't that easy..

Why do I have high expectations of myself?
Why can't I accept failures?
I just can't accept it..
Each failure only make me worst..
I feel so pressurized..

All I can do now is to rush my project..
And to pray about it..

Help me, Lord..

2008-07-28T21:07:00.004+08:00

Decisions.
Qusetions.
Answers.

That's what a thinker do, isn't it?
I read The Purpose Driven Life today.
And the message I got within is to return back to the Father.
I've been drifting away.
And now he's calling me back.

And through Daily Bread,
It told me about answers.
That people in desperate need of answers turn to anywhere else,
But God.
Well,
I don't turn anywhere because I have nowhere to turn to.
I just know that what it means to me,
Is to have patience and have faith in Him.

Faith and trust.
The things I lack in my life.
Whether it's God, or people.

It's going to be a struggle for me in this coming three weeks.
Juggling between work, relationships and rest.
I have three weeks to complete a pile of designings.
And in these three weeks,
I'll have to do some work for Bible camp.
I'll also have to continue to keep in touch with God.
And also, handle my family and my dating relationship well.
As for rest,
I think I'm going to start lacking it.
Either no sleep, or a few hours of sleep.

Then again..
I hate myself.
Hate myself for smiling when I want to cry.
Hate myself for lying to everyone.
Hate myself for making everyone worried about me.
Please don't worry about me.
I'll be fine..
I think...

2008-07-19T00:17:00.003+08:00

It's been long time since I've posted..
And feels like I'm changing..
For the worst..

Just yesterday..
I couldn't take the pressure anymore..
I felt so useless and depressed about myself..
I cried and cried..
And spoke to my parents..
Then my dad helped me pray..

But just this morning..
I was overtaken by my fear and emotions again..
I felt like I was going crazy..
It was 11.20am..
And yesterday..
My friend told me 11.20am lecturers will lock the room..
I trembled in fear as I was waiting for my work to print..
I cried and trembled..
Never felt so afraid before..
The overwhelming of the fear..
I was still crying when I left the house..
But I told myself to stay strong..
It was unforgettable..
I felt like I lost my mind..
To think that I even scared my mum..

Just as I took the cab to school..
I remembered a song called God will make a way..
And here's the lyrics..

God will make a way,
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to
His sideWith love and strength for each new day
He will make a way,
He will make a way.

By a roadway in the wilderness,
He'll lead me
And rivers in the desert will I see
Heaven and earth will fade
But His Word will still remain
He will do something new today.

God will make a way,
Where there seems to be no way
He works in ways we cannot see
He will make a way for me
He will be my guide
Hold me closely to
His sideWith love and strength for each new day
He will make a way,
He will make a way.

I felt the strong message that God was trying to tell me..
And it made me more calm..
So I have to thank God for all these..
I know I'm being trained for something..
Something that is for the better of me..

However..
The thought of this morning experience still shakes me..
The insanity..
The fear..
Losing control..

2008-07-12T23:15:00.003+08:00

Late night, early morning..
Gawsh I'm dead tired..
Had meeting in the morning..
And appointed to be in charge of programmes and publicity..
Plus to my burden..

Did my assignments in church..
Completed some..
But found new problems..
Plus to my burden..

Bazaar sales tomorrow..
Early morning again..
Late night too..
Plus to my tiredness..

Had a moment of coziness..
Plus to my happiness..

Had a flash of your smile..
Plus to my happiness..

Increase in bad friendship..
Plus to my sadness..

Overall..
I'm just dead tired..
At least for now..

2008-07-12T00:16:00.003+08:00

I can't take it anymore..
At least that's what I tell myself when I'm alone..
I'm not as strong as I seem afterall..
I'm just a weakling inside..
Deep within..
I'm just so scared..
Scared of everything going around me..
Scared of what's happening next..
Scared of every reaction people might have..
The fear creeping in..
It's just so hard to face it alone..
I want to be able to cry to someone..
I want to be like every other person..
To be able to cry when sad..
And not to hold them back and cry when I'm alone..
To cry when I'm alone in the dark..

Why do I have to keep smiling when I don't feel like..
Why can't I express my emotions to others..
Why must others only see my smile..
Why can't I face others with the true feelings I have within..
Why can't I feel like crying for no reason..
I just want to be cared once..
Why must I let people feel that I'm all right on my own..
Why do people feel that way..
I'm a human too..
I need care..
I need someone to listen to my troubles..
I need someone to pour my heart to..

I guess the inner me hasn't change abit..
But I'll surpress it..
For everyone's sake..

2008-07-10T01:13:00.003+08:00

Piling of projects..
Like having to rush two projects now..
One, Design (Moving Rooms)
Two, BIT Law (Blogging)

Was suppose to meet up with my design friends..
But end up meeting my law friends..

And..
I seriously don't know what to blog about..

2008-07-06T22:49:00.003+08:00

I feel like there's so many people in my life that keeps me thinking..
Thinking about the relationship we bear with each other..
Thinking if it's worth waiting..
Thinking about how far to go..
It's a never-ending cycle of thoughts..
One links to another..

The temptation to step forward and tell you how I feel..
The temptation of wanting you to know..
The temptation that is so difficult to control..
But yet, I have to bear it all to prevent anyone from getting hurt..

Sometimes, you made me think that I should let go..
And suddenly, you would give me hope that I should not..
But yet, at times it just felt like false hope..

And at times, when I felt down..
Another would comfort me..
And all this just confused me..

Sometimes, it gets pretty tiring..
Waiting..
Thinking..
Longing..
But that's all I can do..
Unless I make the move first..

2008-06-29T23:35:00.005+08:00

What am I feeling now?
Depressed? Rejected? Demoralised?
It's a little of everything..
I feel like everything is leaving me..
I know I'm not suppose to feel this way..
But I can't control my feelings..
I feel like crying again..
But forever no one will be there..
No one will be there to wipe my tears..
No one will be there to lend a shoulder..
I'm not as strong as I looked..
I'm not as independednt as I seemed..

This moment feels so cold..
So unwanted..
The people whom I can talk to..
Aren't there anymore..
Will I have to survive the night..
Bearing all the loneliness within me?
Will I be able to take it?
I just wish that you would be there when I needed..
Just a longing..
A longing that is far from sight..

2008-06-08T02:49:00.002+08:00

Anyways..
Update!
I'll be away from 8th - 13th..
So..
NO BLOGGING..
Awww...

2008-06-06T16:21:00.003+08:00

The things that happened in the past few days..
Tuesday:
Went to watch Narnia (Prince Caspian)
It's nice.. and the sceneries are nicer..

Thursday:
Went Liang court for dinner..
A $10 Ika Teriyaki meal..
Then went to Yong Zhen's father's wake..
Thankfully her father believed in Christ before he died..

Friday:
The worst day ever..
Because I have to go back to school to return DVDs before it overdues..
And I don't feel like going to school..

Tomorrow:
Going to have practice with Yuling at 10am..
Along with Yuen..
No idea what time it's going to end..
But going to have jamming at 4pm..
With Team A..
Probably spend my afternoon shopping alone..
So many things to buy before camp..

Oh wells..
Have to go school now..
Sighs

2008-06-03T00:18:00.004+08:00

Holidays are the best time to define yourself as a loner..
Or not..
Mine is obvious even when it isn't holidays..
Other than going out on some Sundays..
The rest are stay home..
Or rather home alone..

Last Sunday's shopping was fun..
Or rather I think would be the most fun thing of my whole week..
Why?
Because I would be staying at home..
That's what my holidays are for..
To understand more about my room..
Anyway, I manage to get some accessories during my shopping trip..
It was a 3 hour plus shopping with no resting..
And I only spent $15..
Which is good..
The end..

I'm trying to find more games to entertain myself..
It's not good to rely on others..
They don't even care if they hurt you or not..
Well, no mans land is my island..

Oh..
And how pathetic can I get..
To allow one person to "fly kite" for 4 times..
I bet tomorrow will be the 5th..
I shall wait and see..

*Fly kite means to cancel a meeting with someone at the very last minute*

2008-06-02T19:48:00.001+08:00

Went shopping yesterday..

And finally got my very first pucca merchandise..

2008-06-01T01:19:00.003+08:00

Music Min. Retreat was fun..
Only the dinner part..
And I ate most of the prawn..
Because everyone was just too lazy to peel the shell..
And I ate more than 15 prawns..
I don't know the exact amount thou..

I miss Sherrick..
He's so cute..
And it's comfortable just sitting there with him..
I don't even need to speak..
And I know he knows how I feel..
Because he'll just sit there..
Not disturbing me..
Knowing that I'm down..
A day just passed..
And I'm missing him..

The whole event ended with me sitting in Brandon's car..
Sending people off..
And the stops are as follow
First : J8
Lenice, Joyce, Weixin, Chenxing, Yu En, and Jayne..
Second : Commonwealth MRT station
Azarel..
Third : Peixiang's place..
And he said I looked like a lab rat in the car..
Didn't think it was an insult..
Because lab rats are cute..
Fourth : Church
Pass DVD to my mum..
Waited for sis..
Fifth : Home sweet home..
It was a near one-hour ride home..
And I still miss Sherrick..

2008-05-31T23:49:00.004+08:00

When a person commented something bad about you..
You might hold it against that person..
But when two people,
who are complete stranger to one another,
said the same thing..
Maybe something is wrong with you..
Maybe I just need to shut back into my own world again..
Maybe nothing has been different all this while..
It's just me and my belief that something will be different..
And I'm wrong afterall..
I'm just a nuisance to everyone..
A contributor to noise pollution..
I should just shut up..
And be an anti-social again..
I don't care how much scoldings I'm going to receive..
But it's just me..
Who I want to be..
And who people wants me to be..

2008-05-29T13:36:00.003+08:00

After a whole night of calming down..
I can finally post what happened yesterday..
Most of my day was spent studying BITLaw..
And at the end of the day..
I can't remember anything..

Anyway..
My Alt spoilt..
But fixed it yesterday too..
And it got fixed after Jabez pulled it out..
And I fixed it..
ME!!!

Had a quarrel with my friend..
He said I was disturbing him..
So I said fine..
I'll never disturb him again..
Then after awhile he said that I really ignore him..
And I said we have nothing to talk about anyway..
Then not long after he said he was seriously bored..
And I just said SO..
Then he said nevermind.. bye..
Well, he deserved that kind of treatment..
So if I'm an annoying freak to you..
Better not talk to me..
We might end up as strangers..

2008-05-28T22:31:00.003+08:00

I'm just not happy about the life I'm having now..
All the fucking damn smart ass showing off..
Maybe I'm just fucking stupid..
Whatever..

I'm a disturbance to everyone..
A nuisance..
I'm a stupid nuisance..

Fine..

2008-05-28T01:12:00.003+08:00

Yesterday, today..
I just wish tomorrow would be happier..
I want to be away from my project..
I want to go to the beach and scream my heart out..
Then sit there till the sun sets..
And maybe..
Someone would be there to listen..

I almost cried today in studio..
But I held back..
And I bought anti-depressents to class..
And I just left right after the review..

I miss mission trip..
I miss it alot..
Listening to the songs we used to sing..
Makes me think back of the time we spent together..
Now it's all back to sad lonely life..
I want my eight days back..

Then again..
Today wasn't that bad..
Not CF..
But wing chun..
Why not CF?
Because I couldn't understand a single thing the freak was talking about..
And it was so boring that I wanted to sleep..
Wing chun was fun because..
I got to beat Jabez..
Yay-ness..
It feels good to go crazy after a whole day of stress..

Not long ago..
I chatted with JY..
Then the whole conversation sounds so..
Like as if I'm inside..
But I'm not..
Then he say will discuss next week..
Either it's with the whole group or with..
Then he asked how I felt about the activity..
Does it matter how I feel?
I know this whole paragraph just sounds so..
Un-understand-able..
But they are just my thoughts..

Tomorrow will be here..
And I shall wait and see..

2008-05-26T22:39:00.003+08:00

I feel hopeless..
I feel worthless..
I feel like a loser..
I wanted to cry..
But I know I couldn't..

I wanted to cry in school..
But I knew I couldn't..
Because no one would care..
I wanted to cry in the train..
But I knew I couldn't..
Because people would think that I'm crazy..
I wanted to cry at home..
But I knew I couldn't..
Because my family would be worried..

I just bottled everything up..
Cover everything with a smile..
So people will know that I'm fine..
I'll be all right..
I'll have to be..
I'll have to stay strong..

2008-05-25T01:49:00.003+08:00

Part of me wants to sleep..
Part of me tells me to stay awake..
I can't sleep because my work is still not finish..
My sis told me that her friends in these field are like that..
Always rushing last minute work..
I'm not sure this is encouragement..
But overall..
I still can't sleep..

To make things worst..
I quarreled with another person again..
I'm not sure if it's miscommunication or..
Just a broken promise..
I'm just NOT the social kind of person..
And there's just this little secret that I have to keep from everyone..
Including my blog..
Actually,
there's just loads of secret in my head..
You won't get them even if you cut open my head..
So don't bother trying..

Today was a day spent at home alone..
And tomorrow shall be the same..
I can't do anything about it..
I just feel like giving up..

2008-05-24T02:29:00.003+08:00

NoW iT's GeTtInG mOrE cRaZy!
I sLePt @ 6.30pM
WoKe Up @ 1aM
AnD nOw It'S tImE tO sTaRt WoRk!

2008-05-23T08:50:00.003+08:00

Thisiscrazycrazycrazy...
Sleepingearlierdaybyday...
Earliermeaninginthemorning...
Lifeiscrazycrazycrazy...
Myworkisstillthreequarterundone...
Andmondayissubmission...
Icantcope...
Itssotiring...
Iwantmysleep...
Iwantmybed...
Iwanttostopworking...
ButIcantquit...
Damn...

2008-05-22T23:35:00.003+08:00

幸福真的是掌握在自己的手上吗？
为什么有些幸福却握不住？
快乐，也是自己选的。。。
但我却不知道为什么我常常选择不快乐。。。
我也不明白。。。
明明是不开心，但却表露出了一幅很开心的脸。。。
明明很想哭，却不敢流下眼泪。。。
明明想要人家关心，却不敢想他说。。。
我到底在做什么？
生命的一切都在我自己的手里。。。
但我却不懂得好好管理。。
我真得很失败。。。

I ' m C.R.A.Z.Y.

2008-05-22T00:44:00.005+08:00

M y h e a d h u r t s..
M y e y e s s o r e..
I ' m s t r e s s..
B u t I c a n ' t d o a n y t h i n g a b o u t i t..
A l l I k n o w i s t h a t t h e s e f e w d a y s w i l l b e s p e n t..
A t h o m e..
I n s c h o o l..
A n d i n c h u r c h..
I f e e l t i r e d..
B u t I c a n ' t r e s t..
I f e e l l o s t..
B u t I ' m h e l p l e s s..
I f e e l w e a k..
A n d I j u s t a m..
A n d a l l t h e s e a r e j u s t p a r t o f f a l l i n g s i c k..
S i c k o f m y n e v e r e n d i n g c y c l e o f l i f e..

2008-05-21T15:48:00.017+08:00

Stay home wednesday..
I just need to persevere till next week..
Monday is the day where freedom calls..
And the first term will end..
June's filled with loads of activites..

Starting from
29th May - Children's camp meeting
30th - 31st May - Music Min. Retreat
1st June - Teen's camp leaders meeting
8th - 10th June -Youth Camp
11th -13th June - Teens Camp
16th - 17th June - Children's Camp
21st June - Wing Chun Practice
28th June - Wing Chun Practice

Currently busy with projects..
But it'll all be over by next monday..
I hope..
But hopes never last..
Whatever..
If the organiser never invite.. What's the point in going..Furthermore..The organiser never invite must have the reasons behind..So if go out of invitation..Then maybe the organiser will be displeased..Already so tension..Go only make it worst..

2008-05-21T00:23:00.003+08:00

My muscles are aching from Wing Chun!
Some more I got extra lessons..
Jabez, you jealous?
But no fear, for I have forgotten what I learn..
Ok.. that sucks..

Anyway,
I realised my hands have blue-black!
All thanks to you-know-who..
Bleahs.

2008-05-19T00:43:00.002+08:00

Update on my latest visit to Million Dollars Bungalow
Owned by an Art Dealer
And the photos are shown below.

The Front View
The Second Floor
Toilet Skylight
The Skylight
Bungalow Behind

The place is so BIG and BEAUTIFUL!

2008-05-18T01:40:00.004+08:00

I just realise I don't post about happy stuff..
Not as much as I do post my unhappy stuff..
But I know the reason..
Happy stuff can be easily shared verbally to anyone..
But not unhappy stuff..
You stuff the unhappiness in you..
And so this is my pour-out-place..

Anyway..
I went over to JCC on Friday..
Just because Jabez accompany me up "Er Mei Shan"..

Then saturday's here..
And my family had the first gathering session..
It will be held every saturday morning @ 9am..
Apparently, dad's called out to work..
So it's not really a complete family thing..
We read the bible, shared and prayed..
And my eyes were barely opened..
Imagine sleeping at 3 with someone pulling you out at 9..
It's just irritating..
It's like one in a million days that I could sleep till noon..
Why must they spoil my beautiful day?
And now it's every Sat..
May God save me..

Anyways..
Had music min. prac..
And it was super long and tiring prac..
Mainly because the lead singer wants contemporary style for hymns..
And he expects loads of styles in every single song..
Although I'm just the projectionist..
But sitting there and being ignored is just not fun..
It can be pretty tiring to be ignored..
Then the powerpoints had many errors..
And with the massive noise pollution..
And distortion..
I was somewhat "yakked" by my pastor..
Seriously..
Sunday service is going to be like...
There were unwanted out-of-tunes..
Weird beats and rhythms..
But who am I to comment on this?
I'm just a nobody in the team..
And all just because I don't have a freaking music background..
Crap

2008-05-15T21:17:00.002+08:00

Still don't understand why, how.. or whatever it is..
That a friendship could just go down this way..
All because of one pathetic person..
I'm just getting pissed at it once in a while..
And I don't know why..
I can't find a reason to be pissed about it..
And yet here I am being frustrated..
Great..

Maybe this friendship isn't going to last at all..
Maybe none of my friendships will ever last..
I'm that kind of person..
With no bestfriends to cry my problems to..
All alone no matter what happens..
Maybe it's just me..
I'm the person with the problem..
But I don't know what the problem is..
So I can't do anything about it..
It's just so hard to find someone to pour out to..
Sad life..

Everyone has their friends, their lives..
I'm here, just me, myself and I..
Truly pathetic..
Maybe it's because I'm just to pessimistic..
Whatever..
I'll just talk to myself over at that corner..
No prob'..
No need to worry as well..

2008-05-14T17:31:00.002+08:00

Yesterday went wing chun..
Then I anyhow do the stance..
Because I'm NOT a WING CHUN KIA...
Anyway..
My body's aching today..
I'm suppose to be studying..
But I'm not..
I'm doing every single thing but not doing my work..
For instance,
I listen to music, watch videos..
And even paint my thumb nail for nothing..
Just don't like to work at home..
So I'm rotting my day off..
Slacker~

No feeling

2008-05-13T00:37:00.002+08:00

For once..
I'm confused about what I'm feeling..
I don't feel happiness, sadness or just anything..
Maybe 'cause I'm too tired..
Tired of everything..
So tired that I don't wish to be bothered anymore..
And then..
For just this once..
I'll be serious about how I feel..

2008-05-11T00:52:00.002+08:00

Just for that one action..
It makes me ponder..

Yet, another tiring day..
Had been in church from 10am - 9pm..
Reached home at almost 10pm..
First, was meeting..
Then I sat in for acappella..
And finally music ministry practice..
My brain is dying soon..
But there are still things..
Which sets me thinking..
It's just my little secret to keep..

Anyway, I feel so alone nowadays in church..
Shared with a teacher/auntie/my friend's mum..
Then she said that it's important to pray and etc..
I'm too lazy to type them out..

My relationship with God has been drifting..
So is my relationship with some of my friends..
For God, I know I can't let it continue to drift..
But for some friends..
I'm just too tired to care..

Anyway, brain's probably dead by now..
'Cause I'm not making any sense..
Ciaoz

2008-05-08T02:26:00.002+08:00

Went out today again!!
Like every alternate Wednesday will go out..
Although this is only the second..
Anyways..
Rushed to school today to submit donation card..
And to help my friend download software..
Why am I rushing?
Because I woke up late..
And only reach school at 11.50am..
And suppose to meet Zhongying and Jabez at 12pm..
Well done..
So end up meeting late..
Then we set off to Jurong East National Library..
And I never bring my work to do..
So play game using Jabez's laptop..
Once in a while I would be stoning thou..
Then Alan came, and later on Victoria came..
And so we went to play pool..
Then just as we were leaving..
Poor Shao Cong came..
For nothing..
So we just slack around outside the entertainment centre..
Then we went to eat at LJS..
Well, only Shao Cong ate the meal..
Today was a pretty happy day..
Except for the going home part..
Where my worst nightmare awaits..
Speaking of which..
I still have loads to finish and I'm still blogging..
Very tiring to do..
And lazy..
Oh wells..
Going to continue toning..

2008-05-05T18:26:00.003+08:00

These few days haven't been good for me..
Especially in terms of relationship..
And I think I finally know why..
It's spiritual battle I'm facing..
Since my dad is finally going to mission trip..
No wonder I have to face all these..
Because I'm weak and under attack..
Damn it..
Now I know..
I know how to face it..
And my mum finally allows me to join another cca ^_^
But the overall result lies on me..
Whether to join or not..
Finally...

2008-05-04T23:49:00.006+08:00

NOBODY LISTENS

NOBODY CARES

EVERYONE WANTS ME TO LISTEN TO THEM

EVERYONE'S FORCING ME TO DEATH

THIS IS JUST THE BEGINNING

2008-05-03T23:37:00.002+08:00

Whenever I think back about the past..
It's just so hard to keep being angry with you..
But a reply that you gave..
Angered me so much..
That it's so hard to forgive you..

The more I think about all these..
The more I think about the past..
The more I think about the past..
The more I think about your present..
The more I think about your present..
The more I think about your reply..
The more I think about your reply..
The more I think about the past..
And it goes on and on..

It's just so sickening...

2008-05-01T23:56:00.002+08:00

So many new posts in a day..
Just because I feel like it..
I'm trapped here in my home..
No Friends.. to be out with..
Needless to say bestfriend..
Why don't I have a bestfriend?
Simple..
Because other friends have their friends
which they consider them as their best friends..
In other words..
I'm not important to anyone..
What a nice theory by me..
Lovely..

Anyway..
I took a photo today..
Well, it's photos..
And guess where was I?
In my room..
And on top of the window ledge..
I sat there and took photos..
Oh so high..
Then I was scared..
Not scared of falling over..
But scared of neighbours calling the police..

And now..
I have a gap on my index finger..
Between my fingernail and my finger..
I made the gap just in case you don't know..

Do you think it works on me?

2008-05-01T22:58:00.003+08:00

Ever hammered a nail on the fence..
And removing the nail off the fence again?
What do you see after removing the nail?
You see a hole..

It's just like us humans..
We get angry..
We hurt others..
Then we ask for forgiveness..
Then we expect others to forgive..
Well, some do..
But some will look at the hole that was created..
And look back at the person who created it..
The look that's filled with hatred..

Everyday is an emo day

2008-05-01T13:10:00.002+08:00

I just want some freedom..
I don't want to be emo everyday..
I'm just so sick and tired of all these..
So tired of crying..

Knowing no one would comfort me..

2008-04-29T22:41:00.003+08:00

I almost died yesterday night..
It's something spiritual that happened..
I shall not say what..
No point asking me either..
I won't say a word..

Ever since what happened today..
I realised it's wise to just shut the fuck up..
I don't give a bloody damn anymore..
The world is just unfair..
People get to dig in on you..
And when you do that to them..
You get a whole shit out of them..
So what the fuck is wrong?
I don't know..

There are some people whom I can't stand them any longer..
They are just so irritating..
Thinking that they are the smartest in this world..
Fancy using God's name in vain..
Think everything has to do with God..
Oh please..
Grow up..
Stop counselling me like you are sinless..
You freaks!
I've had enough..
In CF and in church..
I HAD ENOUGH!!!
I just want to quit..
No one's listening..
NO ONE!!!!
THEY JUST KEEP SAYING
FOR GOD FOR GOD!!!
THIS IS GETTING ME DAMN IRRITATED..

Most of the time..
It's not God..
It's the believers themselves..
STOP ACTING LIKE YOU ARE A DAMN HOLY FUCKING SHIT..
CUZ YOU'RE JUST NOT..
damn it..
AND whoever the fuck shit is..
stop counselling me using the tagboard..
cuz i hate it.
leaving it anonymous..
you are the worst..
you should just die..
understand me?
DIE!
JUST GO AND DIE!!!

2008-04-28T23:25:00.002+08:00

My laptop's down with virus..
And I need to reformat it..
I'm pissed..

CCA showcase..
And I'm unwilling..
I'm pissed..

Appeal to quit being leader..
And I need to meet up..
I'm pissed..

Everything's getting in my way..
And I seriously need to talk to him now..
But he's asleep..
I assume..
And he's handphone spoilt..
I so need to talk to him about something important..
If only he's willing to listen..
And doesn't just say that he knows..

I feel so alone..
So scared..
But I don't know what I'm scared of..
So sad..
Of being left alone..
Who would listen to the cries of my unheard voice..
The voice screaming and tearing out of me..
And yet..
It never gets to escape..
I feel lost, hopelessly lost..

I can't find a purpose to go..
To move a step forward..
The fire within..
It's shaken..
Almost gone..

And I just want to be with you..

Time to rest

2008-04-26T01:35:00.002+08:00

Finally, there's time to breathe..
Been project-ing for the past few nights..
Didn't sleep yesterday..
Ended up sleeping during GEMs lecture..
But didn't sleep well..

Anyway, there's this funny incident today..
I went to mac today bought a meal with unsalted fries..
Then jabez also got buy one meal with unsalted fries..
Eventually we have to get it ourselves after 3mins ++
And jabez went to get..
Then he ask for two..
And the auntie say in chinese,
"You and another guy buy one ah?"
Or something like that..
So I'm mistaken to be a guy..

But being a guy isn't that bad other than NS..
I've been doing stuff that some guys does..
For example,
climbing the sides of the escalator up instead of riding it up,
sliding down the railing of the stairs,
and many more..
Wonder why girls can't play..
It's so fun!!!
Weee!!!

Anyway, I missed CF today...
Too tired..
No point going prayer meeting to sleep..
And I told GQ that I want to quit from being leader..
And he said have to ask ganshi and brandon..
Oh wells...
Pray hard..
(Lies on the floor and pray)

FYI: No one in DID is awake but me ^^

Deteriorating Life =)

2008-04-24T00:03:00.003+08:00

Seek help
Seek help
Seek help
What's the point in seeking when no one understands?
They'll all say I'm thinking negatively..
They'll all say stay happy..
They'll all say pray..
They'll all say seek God..
They'll say this and that..
But these are all just a matter of speech..
It's always easy to just talk isn't it?
I've been suffering for years..
Years..
All these years..
I seek help and to my dismay..
Everyone only speaks..
Help..
Never going to seek them again..
Life's back to darkness..
All alone..
I thought life's going to change..
But I guess it's not..
Everyone just cares about my studies..
Does anyone care about my life?
A life that's deteriorating..
I feel sad..
I want to cry..
And no one would be there..

Long Story

2008-04-21T04:38:00.003+08:00

Look at the time of this post..
Indeed I didn't sleep..
Well, actually slept from 11pm - 1am..

Anyway, today was a very rushy day..
Rushed from :
Walk
Cityhall -> Suntec
Sunte -> Bras Basah
Bras -> Cityhall
Train
Cityhall -> Queenstown
Walk
Queenstown MRT station -> Church of our Saviour
Churh of our Saviour -> Queenstown MRT station
Bus
Queenstown MRT station -> Queensway Shopping centre
Queenstown Shopping centre -> Home Sweet Home

And so it's a tiring day for me..
Since I slept at 7am and woke up at 8am..
Rushed around and finally reached home at around 9pm..
I'm dead beat..

Anyways, I kind of realise I'm somewhat impatient..
But I think it's logical for me to feel this way..
Reason being, I just don't want to wait for something that is not going to happen..
I know it's hard to understand what I'm blabbering here..
But oh wells, don't blame someone who lacks of sleep..
zzzZZzzzZZzzz

Almost forgot..
My church mates and I went o Church of our Saviour today
Because one of my church teacher and a fellow brother was acting in a play
The play is called 生命 No Take 2.
It's about we only get to live once in our life..
And in this life..
What choices do we want to make?
(Details for the play, please ask me in person)
But anyway, there was a total of 6 acts..
And I fell asleep on the 2nd act..

After that, we supposedly had dinner @ IKEA..
(Please note the word SUPPOSEDLY)
But ended, they ate at some coffee shop near train station
There was much of indecision, unhappiness and immaturity
And I was growing imapatient again..
But I once spoke with people who asked me to wait for them to grow up
And I wonder how long it will take...
Like never..
Growing sick of waiting here and there..
Anyways, it all ended with me leaving on my own
With a hungry tummy..
Sacrifices have to be made..
Forever..

And now my eyes are closing..
And I still have stacks of paper around me waiting to be folded
And a cardboard to be cut
I'm a goner..
zzzZZzzzZZzzz

No one's online to talk to..
No one will talk to me anyway..

I'm really, really emo

2008-04-20T22:45:00.002+08:00

Do you wear ridiculously tight pants and love Dashboard Confessional? Are you inexplicably attracted to dark corners or cry babies? You knew it! You're totally emo. Sensitive and thoughtful, you can usually be found listening to new CDs in your room, shopping for dark-hued clothing, or just simply whining about the unfairness of life. Just a phase? We're not so sure. You could have written the book on emo and you definitely embrace your emotional side. Just don't go too far. Black eyeliner and sad music are one thing, but no one will want to hang out with you if you forget to smile from time to time.

That was an emo test that I took..
Guessed I'm a proven emo..
Do I need to get my new emo look?

it begins with an i

2008-04-19T22:58:00.003+08:00

Origamis and more origamis
Folding and Unfolding
Stress and more stress
Projects and more projects
That marks the end of my first week

Hard to stay happy these days
Really hard 'cause life's turning grey
With so few people I can talk to
It is difficult to be happy
Sometimes I'm just so tired
I don't want to do anything

Just want to do things that can cheer me up
But there's just so little
Just want to have people to cheer me up
But it's just so rare

Being physically and mentally tired
It's making me sick

Me or you?

2008-04-16T22:30:00.003+08:00

I'm stressed, tired, frustrated, hopeless, depressed...
And all you knew was to complain about how you lost your motivation...
Sometimes..
I just doubt about you so much that I just don't feel like talking to you...
'Cause talking to you just pissed me off more...
Why can't you just be concern about me a little more?
Why can't you just comfort me just for awhile?
Why can't you just be there for me for just once?
I'm always the one to ask you not to worry...
The one that cheer you up...
And all I ever needed was for you to cheer me up just this once...
And you didn't even do it...
No matter how pathetic I felt in the past...
I would try to cheer you up if you were down...
But this time...
I really can't take it anymore...
My apologies....

2008-04-09T16:14:00.002+08:00

Unhappiness..
It just can't go away, can it?
You don't want it to go away too..
You hate me to the core..
You make me hate myself..

That very night..
I stared at the window..
I cried..
I thought of jumping off..
And how it would have ended the misery..
I thought of how I could drink soap..
And how bitter it would have tasted..
I thought of using a needle to poke through my wrist..
And I did it..
It hurt..
But not as much as your words..
How you hated me all this while..
How I am not worth to be your daughter..

That very night..
I spoke to God..
I said I hate Him..
And how much I didn't want to..
I asked Him to take me away..
Even if I had to be in Hell..
I cried..
And I thought of how no one would be there to listen..

The whole night was a struggle..
But the struggle ended..
There will be no more of the happy me..
The dark side took over..
And I hope you are happy..